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I keep asking God that His desires might become my desires, but I know that something that I greatly desire isn't His will nor in my best interest, yet I'm still drawn to do it. Why am I still wanting what I shouldn't do, or is that fact that I still do want it God's way of telling me something?

Why do we define success in terms of numbers?

I guess that that first sentence is a little vague. Let me elaborate: last semester, it's been depressing to me that our efforts to raise awareness of the global AIDS pandemic on campus through our monthly “shindigs” hasn't produced the massive amount of numbers of people that I've desired. It's just seemed that we weren't making an impact; it's seemed like we haven't done enough.

If I try my best, why should I be concerned if I get a thousand people aware of the pandemic or if I get nobody? If I try my best, why should I be concerned if I raise a million dollars or a single dime? What's more important for me to concern myself with: the outcome or the effort? I can't change the outcome, but I can change what I am going to do about it. The question remains: am I doing my best?

I came up with the most awesome jazz tune. It was catchy, smooth and unique. However, before transcribing it down, I went to eat dinner, and I forgot the tune. Now, I'm going mad trying to remember exactly what the tune was. If I don't think of the tune, I will loose sleep tonight.

I've considered camping out in front of Wal-Mart to get the album as soon as it's available, but I'll probably give in an order it off of Amazon. While I'm on the topic of hot, beautiful women, the Australian Open starts tomorrow.

It never really bothered me before, but it bothers me now. I'm usually a fun loving guy who can take a jab or two, but I find that I get annoyed at being the butt of all jokes. There's so much more to me than that, but I feel that people keep seeing me for something that I'm not. I feel that I'm deeper than just some crazy fool, but people keep painting me as some joker. A whole day of myself and only the dumb parts made the cut for the film.

So, I'm just starting class here at JBU. I'm sceptical of biology and computer architecture, but I think that Linux is going to rock. Now, I just have to get into the old habit: assigned reading and assigned assignments… uhhhh.

The semester hasn't even gotten underway, and I already took a needed break. I don't say needed as in I needed a break. I say needed in that Blake needed to pick up his car in Eufaula after it broke down. It was a nice relaxing trip, but, unfortunately, it meant that there was a large backlog of assignments and work to do when I got home. There are just not enough hours in the day.

I thought that I had destroyed them all.

This summer I came across a bunch of love letters from my old girlfriend. Pretty much out of bitterness, I burned them all. My bitterness stems from the fact that she won't talk to me. Well, I'm fine with that, but I'm only fine with that because I have to be. It's a situation that I hate being in, but things like that happen.

The other day, while packing to come down to Arkansas, I came across a note that slipped through my fingers along with a teddy bear that she gave me.

My Friend

You are a special part
of all that I hold dear to heart.

And when the days and miles divide us
our friendship still lives on inside us.

The dreams we've shared, the laughter too…
I love the friend I found in you!

I ♥ you, Dani!

I'm tempted to destroy them. I destroyed the other literature; it makes sense to burn this one as well. Still, when I read this note, I was reminded of the themes of this and all the other notes. One of the recurring ones was that we'd be friends forever. I really don't know what to think about that. We were such great friends before we got together, and I made the mistake of taking it to the next level. From there, I made horrible mistakes… we made horrible mistakes. Still, it's the past and it can't be changed. What can be is in the future.

So, what's in store for the future? I don't really know if that would be in my best interest. Now that I think about the term best interest, I don't know if that's my true thought. When I say if that would be in my best interest, I'm really saying I don't know if I'd want that. A part of me would like to still be good friends with her and, if not friends, on decent terms at least. Another part of me wants nothing of that. That part of me wishes that I never see her again.

At this point, I've decided to keep the note. For her birthday, I got her a Bible with a note inside that went along the theme of eternal friendship. Maybe one day I'll have the opportunity to at least talk to her, and the note could provide hope for that day. I guess that it depends on what day of the week it is if good things will happen. If it's the wrong day, I might just blow up and say angry things. Who knows? One day, maybe we might be on speaking terms… or maybe I should put the note to my cigarette lighter right now and forget about it.

It was quite awesome¹ to see a myriad of cars in the middle of the interstate median that had completely flipped over because of the snow on the highway and been marked off by caution tape. Sadly, I've left Colorado and left the snow, but I'm back in Arkansas where cool people come to study stuff.

So, today was virtually a waste of time as all time wasted during travel is, but it was a fun waste of time. Peter and I made the incredibly boring journey across the incredibly boring state of Kansas without doing bad things to pass the time. We stopped in the Carlos O'Kelly's in Wichita where we gave our waitress an incredibly hard time doing her job. I was shocked that in this day of government nannying gone bad that Kansas still allows patrons to smoke in restaurants.

Otherwise, we took the “scenic route” through Oklahoma.² We made it here to Siloam Springs, and, for the first time in some time, I'm actually here early. So, there's nothing to do. So, I'm going to bed.

1. I mean that in the destructive sense, not the “Wow! That's cool!” sense.
2. That's code for We got lost.

I don't know what I'm going to do after I graduate. I mean that in two ways: I really don't know what I'm going to do, and times like this when school's not in session, I die of boredom. I start wondering what I did before I went to college. Every night want to get together with friends. At college, it's not an ordeal to get together with friends. Here, my friends are on the other side of town. During the day, I live without purpose. Thank God for the Star Trek marathon. However, it literally just ended!

I don't pretend to be patriotic. I happen to love all people regardless of where they were born or where they call home. It's this beautiful thing that I call multiculturalism. Apparently, we are the enemy. We're teaching a “politically correct lie”. Our actions are “an attack on America's traditional Christian culture”. Wow! I never knew that loving others like Christ told us would destroy Christianity.