Weblog

Here is a short lesson of my family:

• Mother's Side: They like guns. They buy guns. They use guns. At Christmas and Thanksgiving, they talk about guns.
• Father's Side: They like alcohol. They buy alcohol. They use alcohol. At Christmas and Thanksgiving, they talk about alcohol… while enjoying alcohol.

It goes without saying that my parents' marriage is dangerous. That is: guns + alcohol = accidental death(s). No, in honesty they get along fine. Today, I went to my cousin's wedding. Apparently, my cousin got married into a family of cowboys. It's now a Wolfe Family Tradition® to hold weddings in backyards. So, my cousin got married in our aunt's backyard. The ceremony went well and was very beautiful, but the reception was different. As one of the guests said, “Take the average number of teeth in a human [32… well, I used thirty-two, but he said average, not normal], multiply it by four (128), divide it by one and a half (83.333). That's the average IQ of a cowboy.” He probably wasn't too far off. Here's some more math for you all, keg of alcohol + cowboys + backyard wedding + large pond of water in that backyard = x, evaluate for x. Your answer should be x = cowboys jumping in water during wedding reception and throwing groom into water as well. It was very entertaining. If it weren't for the fact that I was dressed nicely, I probably would have joined them in their ritual… and I was completely dead sober.

After the water-jumping ritual (which had a good end in the fact that a lawn chair which had to have been there for years was retrieved from the depths of the water), the next event was dancing to country music. Some of the cowboys made it a goal to dance with each and every female in attendance, and these cowboys are true gentlemen, but my mother was a tad concerned when she was invited to partake by a gentlemen who had no shirt on (of course, you can't dance in a wet shirt).

Eventually, as the temperature got hotter and the keg got lighter, the party got quieter. Rather than jumping into the pond, the cowboys started to solve another math problem: how many cowboys can fit onto a paddleboat before the boat will sink? The answer is five; six will capsize the boat. After that, they all just sat around while the alcohol affected them in various ways. I would not have known that this was a wedding reception from seeing two shirtless, young men with beers sitting in a paddleboat for about an hour while relaxing after having a few too many.

I really love family. I know that I've said that blood is not thicker than water, and I still believe that. However, if people are willing to be your friends, I'm willing to be theirs. That's basically how family works. Now, I have several new, indirectly related family members. Whatever you might determine from the description above, I really like my new family members.